You'll Just Know

That's what they say.  You'll just know.  When you meet the right person, when you choose a school, a church, a career, a job.  For any big decision.  When you know, you know.  Some people say it's gut instinct, fate, intuition, a sixth sense maybe.  I say it's God.  I say it's His voice that whispers into our hearts and speaks words of love, guidance, and peace as we travels down the various paths of our journeys.  And, yes, I do agree that you will just know.  I have experienced it many times and I know what it feels like.

The problem for us, last September as we left the doctor's office, is that we didn't know.  There was no peace.  No sense that we were heading in the right direction.  No confidence.  We left there feeling sad, discouraged, frustrated, confused, and most of all, scared.  And one thing I know for sure, is that God and fear do not go together, so it didn't feel like we were on the right track at all.

Why?  Why didn't it feel right? Why weren't we on the on the right track? Well, honestly, I didn't know the answers to those questions - other than God was leading us in a different direction for some reason.  I needed to know what direction that was.




I like information.  That probably started because I tend to be a "know it all" sometimes and that's the only way to have all the "right" answers! ;).  I also hate to lose, and in order to win a lot of times, you need to know more than the people you are playing against.  So I find facts, and background, and knowledge very appealing.

I also like options.  I don't really buy into the whole "you don't have a choice" idea.  Actually, I would subscribe more to the "Life is all about choices" concept.

Choices.  Options.  Decisions.  Direction.  Results.


So, I guess when you consider those things about my personality, it isn't surprising that I assured my daughter that her dad and I would do our research, we would get more INFORMATION, we would get a second opinion (something else I believe in strongly, fyi), we would find out our OPTIONS, and we would make a DECISION that would be the best CHOICE for her - so that she would have the best RESULT possible.  Graysen seemed relieved and she just trusted Tim and I to find the right DIRECTION.  The right path for her.  To listen to that voice that whispers into our hearts and leads us down the right paths for our particular journey.



The first thing I learned when I started researching spinal fusion surgery for the correction of scoliosis is that this is really hard on the heart of a mother.  The pictures, the descriptions of the actual procedures, the pain, the recovery, the limitations, the videos.

 The videos.

I have tried and tried and tried to watch the videos.  I can only get through part of them before the tears come.  And once the tears come, they don't go away easily.  I sit and try to be a big girl and watch because, remember, I'm that person who wants the information.  I want to know.  I want to see what it is Graysen is facing.  I want all the facts, so that we can know exactly what this dragon looks like that we have to slay.

 But as Graysen's mommy, it is so hard to know that my daughter will be cut like that.

I think of that chubby baby, with the rolls of fat and I can visualize her perfect little back.  I think of that bubbly, happy toddler, with her smooth, tan skin running around the beach in an itty-bitty bikini and I see her perfect little back.  I see that dreamy-eyed little girl, who's hearts desire was to be Cinderella when she grew up, and I see her perfect little back.  I think of the the awkward pre-teen with the glasses and bad haircut, who loved a good flashy choker necklace and cropped tank top, and I see her perfect back.  I think of that lovely young lady in high school, wearing the prom dress with the plunging back line, and I see the curve.  I see the too-high hip, the pinched left waist.

But the skin is perfect.  I love that skin.  No cuts, no ten-inch incision, no scars - just perfect, beautiful, tan skin.

That's what I see when I try to watch the videos.

It's impossible to finish watching.  I tried again last night, and again, I couldn't do it.  They make that first incision.  They open the back and pull to the side the muscles, tissue, and ligaments -  exposing the spine.  They put screws in the pedicles and they lay a steel or titanium rod in the grooves of the screws.  They start tightening the screws and the spine starts moving.  That's as far as I have gotten so far.  I haven't been able to watch past that point.

 It's more than this mother's heart can bear.


But I know what happens.  They put screws in the other side and lay another rod.  They again start tightening and the spine responds.  What started out as a crooked spine is now aligned with the rods, being held and locked by the screws.  A straight spine.  They start repairing the damage done by the incision.  They suture back the ligaments, the tissue, the muscles, and the not-so-perfect-anymore skin.  They clean and bandage thoroughly and they start letting their patient wake up.

So, I have my information.  I don't like it.  It makes my stomach hurt.  It makes my head heart.  It makes my heart hurt.  But I have it.


And armed with that INFORMATION, I began to look at our OPTIONS.

I wouldn't stop until I knew.

I do believe that when you know, you know.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore, I will hope in Him.  The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks Him.  It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord".        Lamentations 3:22-26