Answers and Questions...in that Order

September, 2013.  Time for Graysen's six-month re-evaluation appointment.  We had spent the last six months praying that the curve would not progress, that her skeleton would have reached maturity, and that we wouldn't have to worry about the possibility of surgery.

We went.  They x-rayed her back. We talked to the doctor.  We got answers. 

Graysen and I looked at each other with such excitement when the doctor told us the results of the x-rays.  Her curve was still 39 degrees!  EXACTLY what we had prayed for.  It had not progressed at all!  I think we both felt an immediate wave of relief when we heard those words. The threat of surgery was gone. 

Graysen could go on and do all the things she wanted to do, without the limitation of rods in her back!  One of the things she really wanted was to try out for cheerleading at Lipscomb University, where she will be attending next year, and I knew she was thrilled that she would have the chance.  She also loves spending time at the lake with her dad - tubing, wake boarding, and cliff jumping.  She loves to snowboard and snow ski.  And a million other things.  All things she was scared of being restricted from or at least being limited with what she could do.  

Well, our excitement and relief was short-lived, to say the least.  

Our doctor went on to explain that although Graysen's curve had remained essentially the same over the last six months, he did not think it was stable and would remain at 39 degrees.  He went on to say that he recommended she have spinal fusion surgery, sooner than later.  He explained that the bones are more pliable at younger ages and, therefore, the results are better.  In other words, sooner is better to get as much correction as possible.

Just like six months earlier, Graysen and I found ourselves shocked by what we were hearing.  Five minutes ago we thought she was out of the woods and now we are talking about impending surgery.  We were knocked off our feet and I saw the distress and fear on my daughter's face. 

Once again, I fought back the tears and began the questions.  

And once again, our doctor patiently answered my questions.  He answered Graysen's questions.  

I can't specifically recall every question we asked him, but I remember a few because his answers play over and over in my mind on a regular basis.

The question/answer that burns most clearly in my mind is this one:  

               "What if we choose not to have the surgery?"   

He looked at me and very directly said, 

                 "If she doesn't have the surgery, by the time she is your age she will be deformed and in chronic pain."

Swallow that pill.  It's a bitter one.

I can't remember making much sense after that.  I felt emotional, stressed, worried, afraid, and really just kinda sick.  I kept trying to process it all, but mostly I couldn't get the image out of my mind of Graysen at my age as he had described.  My heart hurt.  

I said, "Do you have children?".  His answer, "Yes, I do."

I asked him one last question.  

                  "What would you do if this were your daughter?" 

This is the question that Tim and I always ask our doctors when a serious decision is being made.  It is a question that Tim considers seriously when he recommends treatment to his own patients.  His belief is that his recommendation for his patients should be exactly the same as he would recommend for his own child, wife, mother, brother, sister, etc.  What he would do for his patient should be identical to what he would do for his family.   These are rules we live by. 

The upmost consideration and care.  Every precaution.  The best available option for that individual.  That's all.  

The answer came, but to be perfectly honest, I don't know what it was.  It wasn't clear to me.  He told us the story of when his child needed surgery but it was hard for him to admit.  I think his point was that it is hard to think like a parent when you are the doctor and it's hard to think like a doctor when you are the parent.  Okay, I can understand that.  I really can.  

But we left without the answer to the question.  We left uneasy, scared, and sad.  We left with some answers and lots more questions.

We went home.  Graysen was pretty quiet.  She had a lot to think about.

I talked to Tim, I talked to my mom, and I talked to God.  

Then, I started my research.  I needed more answers.

"The one who loves the Lord is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD."

Psalm 112:7