You'll Just Know

That's what they say.  You'll just know.  When you meet the right person, when you choose a school, a church, a career, a job.  For any big decision.  When you know, you know.  Some people say it's gut instinct, fate, intuition, a sixth sense maybe.  I say it's God.  I say it's His voice that whispers into our hearts and speaks words of love, guidance, and peace as we travels down the various paths of our journeys.  And, yes, I do agree that you will just know.  I have experienced it many times and I know what it feels like.

The problem for us, last September as we left the doctor's office, is that we didn't know.  There was no peace.  No sense that we were heading in the right direction.  No confidence.  We left there feeling sad, discouraged, frustrated, confused, and most of all, scared.  And one thing I know for sure, is that God and fear do not go together, so it didn't feel like we were on the right track at all.

Why?  Why didn't it feel right? Why weren't we on the on the right track? Well, honestly, I didn't know the answers to those questions - other than God was leading us in a different direction for some reason.  I needed to know what direction that was.




I like information.  That probably started because I tend to be a "know it all" sometimes and that's the only way to have all the "right" answers! ;).  I also hate to lose, and in order to win a lot of times, you need to know more than the people you are playing against.  So I find facts, and background, and knowledge very appealing.

I also like options.  I don't really buy into the whole "you don't have a choice" idea.  Actually, I would subscribe more to the "Life is all about choices" concept.

Choices.  Options.  Decisions.  Direction.  Results.


So, I guess when you consider those things about my personality, it isn't surprising that I assured my daughter that her dad and I would do our research, we would get more INFORMATION, we would get a second opinion (something else I believe in strongly, fyi), we would find out our OPTIONS, and we would make a DECISION that would be the best CHOICE for her - so that she would have the best RESULT possible.  Graysen seemed relieved and she just trusted Tim and I to find the right DIRECTION.  The right path for her.  To listen to that voice that whispers into our hearts and leads us down the right paths for our particular journey.



The first thing I learned when I started researching spinal fusion surgery for the correction of scoliosis is that this is really hard on the heart of a mother.  The pictures, the descriptions of the actual procedures, the pain, the recovery, the limitations, the videos.

 The videos.

I have tried and tried and tried to watch the videos.  I can only get through part of them before the tears come.  And once the tears come, they don't go away easily.  I sit and try to be a big girl and watch because, remember, I'm that person who wants the information.  I want to know.  I want to see what it is Graysen is facing.  I want all the facts, so that we can know exactly what this dragon looks like that we have to slay.

 But as Graysen's mommy, it is so hard to know that my daughter will be cut like that.

I think of that chubby baby, with the rolls of fat and I can visualize her perfect little back.  I think of that bubbly, happy toddler, with her smooth, tan skin running around the beach in an itty-bitty bikini and I see her perfect little back.  I see that dreamy-eyed little girl, who's hearts desire was to be Cinderella when she grew up, and I see her perfect little back.  I think of the the awkward pre-teen with the glasses and bad haircut, who loved a good flashy choker necklace and cropped tank top, and I see her perfect back.  I think of that lovely young lady in high school, wearing the prom dress with the plunging back line, and I see the curve.  I see the too-high hip, the pinched left waist.

But the skin is perfect.  I love that skin.  No cuts, no ten-inch incision, no scars - just perfect, beautiful, tan skin.

That's what I see when I try to watch the videos.

It's impossible to finish watching.  I tried again last night, and again, I couldn't do it.  They make that first incision.  They open the back and pull to the side the muscles, tissue, and ligaments -  exposing the spine.  They put screws in the pedicles and they lay a steel or titanium rod in the grooves of the screws.  They start tightening the screws and the spine starts moving.  That's as far as I have gotten so far.  I haven't been able to watch past that point.

 It's more than this mother's heart can bear.


But I know what happens.  They put screws in the other side and lay another rod.  They again start tightening and the spine responds.  What started out as a crooked spine is now aligned with the rods, being held and locked by the screws.  A straight spine.  They start repairing the damage done by the incision.  They suture back the ligaments, the tissue, the muscles, and the not-so-perfect-anymore skin.  They clean and bandage thoroughly and they start letting their patient wake up.

So, I have my information.  I don't like it.  It makes my stomach hurt.  It makes my head heart.  It makes my heart hurt.  But I have it.


And armed with that INFORMATION, I began to look at our OPTIONS.

I wouldn't stop until I knew.

I do believe that when you know, you know.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore, I will hope in Him.  The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks Him.  It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord".        Lamentations 3:22-26

Answers and Questions...in that Order

September, 2013.  Time for Graysen's six-month re-evaluation appointment.  We had spent the last six months praying that the curve would not progress, that her skeleton would have reached maturity, and that we wouldn't have to worry about the possibility of surgery.

We went.  They x-rayed her back. We talked to the doctor.  We got answers. 

Graysen and I looked at each other with such excitement when the doctor told us the results of the x-rays.  Her curve was still 39 degrees!  EXACTLY what we had prayed for.  It had not progressed at all!  I think we both felt an immediate wave of relief when we heard those words. The threat of surgery was gone. 

Graysen could go on and do all the things she wanted to do, without the limitation of rods in her back!  One of the things she really wanted was to try out for cheerleading at Lipscomb University, where she will be attending next year, and I knew she was thrilled that she would have the chance.  She also loves spending time at the lake with her dad - tubing, wake boarding, and cliff jumping.  She loves to snowboard and snow ski.  And a million other things.  All things she was scared of being restricted from or at least being limited with what she could do.  

Well, our excitement and relief was short-lived, to say the least.  

Our doctor went on to explain that although Graysen's curve had remained essentially the same over the last six months, he did not think it was stable and would remain at 39 degrees.  He went on to say that he recommended she have spinal fusion surgery, sooner than later.  He explained that the bones are more pliable at younger ages and, therefore, the results are better.  In other words, sooner is better to get as much correction as possible.

Just like six months earlier, Graysen and I found ourselves shocked by what we were hearing.  Five minutes ago we thought she was out of the woods and now we are talking about impending surgery.  We were knocked off our feet and I saw the distress and fear on my daughter's face. 

Once again, I fought back the tears and began the questions.  

And once again, our doctor patiently answered my questions.  He answered Graysen's questions.  

I can't specifically recall every question we asked him, but I remember a few because his answers play over and over in my mind on a regular basis.

The question/answer that burns most clearly in my mind is this one:  

               "What if we choose not to have the surgery?"   

He looked at me and very directly said, 

                 "If she doesn't have the surgery, by the time she is your age she will be deformed and in chronic pain."

Swallow that pill.  It's a bitter one.

I can't remember making much sense after that.  I felt emotional, stressed, worried, afraid, and really just kinda sick.  I kept trying to process it all, but mostly I couldn't get the image out of my mind of Graysen at my age as he had described.  My heart hurt.  

I said, "Do you have children?".  His answer, "Yes, I do."

I asked him one last question.  

                  "What would you do if this were your daughter?" 

This is the question that Tim and I always ask our doctors when a serious decision is being made.  It is a question that Tim considers seriously when he recommends treatment to his own patients.  His belief is that his recommendation for his patients should be exactly the same as he would recommend for his own child, wife, mother, brother, sister, etc.  What he would do for his patient should be identical to what he would do for his family.   These are rules we live by. 

The upmost consideration and care.  Every precaution.  The best available option for that individual.  That's all.  

The answer came, but to be perfectly honest, I don't know what it was.  It wasn't clear to me.  He told us the story of when his child needed surgery but it was hard for him to admit.  I think his point was that it is hard to think like a parent when you are the doctor and it's hard to think like a doctor when you are the parent.  Okay, I can understand that.  I really can.  

But we left without the answer to the question.  We left uneasy, scared, and sad.  We left with some answers and lots more questions.

We went home.  Graysen was pretty quiet.  She had a lot to think about.

I talked to Tim, I talked to my mom, and I talked to God.  

Then, I started my research.  I needed more answers.

"The one who loves the Lord is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD."

Psalm 112:7

In the Meanwhile...


Graysen and I left the doctor's office, got in the car, and didn't say much.  We just needed to be.  Just to think.  To process it all.

I called Tim and told him what we had heard, with me trying to remember all the details of the appointment.  He didn't say much either - he mostly just listened.  Of course, Tim being his usual "glass half-full" self, did say not to expect the worst and not to panic.  He was right, of course.  I tend to think worst case scenario and he tends to think bright side - we balance somewhere in the middle.  This is how we make it work:)  I was already just clicking off all the "what if's" in my head and that slippery slope of guilt and fear had me.  Tim was solid - he does't really do the worry thing so much.  It's all about the facts for him - and faith.

There was nothing to do except wait six months.  And pray.

We prayed, and we asked our family and friends to pray very specifically that the curve would not progress.  We thought if it didn't progress past 39 degrees, then she wouldn't even be a candidate for surgery.  Graysen did not want to have this surgery.  Tim and I did not want her to have this surgery.  Her brother and sister did not want it, nor did her grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends, etc., etc.  It's not what we had dreamed for our little girl, to say the least.

In the meanwhile, we put our worry on a shelf.  We talked very little about what was going on with the crooked back.   We had our prayer warriors praying and we went on with life as usual. Graysen's back pain was getting worse and she kept that heating pad close by, but she didn't slow down.

A lot of you have said to us that you had no idea of all that I have shared recently.  No idea that Graysen battled with feeling ill for almost a year, no idea that she had scoliosis and was in pain, no idea of the stress the idea of surgery was causing us.  From the outside looking in everything looked normal, great, picture-perfect.  Well, there was a lot that was exactly those things and that's where we put our focus, what we talked about, and how we proceeded.  In the midst of all that was wrong, there was a whole lot that was right!  Our blessings outweigh our hardships and heartaches, and we have more to be thankful for than we could ever list!



A couple weeks after her appointment, Graysen and I went on a short mother/daughter cruise with two of her best friends from childhood (Bri and Kat) and their moms (my dear friends - Laurie and Tracey), who had moved away to two different states.  We had so much fun catching up and the girls loved every minute together - like they had never missed a beat.  It was the perfect get-away to get all the yucky stuff off our minds and to just celebrate life and the gift of friendship.

In April, Graysen had a great time going to two proms with handsome Lane!   She got to double-date for one of them with her twin cousin, Hope,  and had a great time with her besties for the other.

In May, we celebrated Tim's 50th birthday at his favorite place, the lake.

Graysen had the week of her life when she went to Windy Gap with Young Life in June.  Her crooked back didn't slow her down a bit!  She lived life in every way that week.  She was challenged physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  She has the most amazing leaders (Sara and Lindsay) and campaigner group in the world.  These ladies are one of the biggest blessings in Graysen's life!  Their zeal for life and their passionate love for Christ are life and heart-changing!  Blessings upon blessings...

Back from Windy Gap, Graysen and her MHS squad attended UCA cheer camp at UT, where she received an All American Cheerleader award!

We finished the summer with a most wonderful family trip to Hawaii to celebrate with our dear friends, the Millers,  as their daughter got married!  We had the best time and made awesome memories.  Jeff and Tim have been friends for 30+ years and we were so honored when Katelyn asked Graysen to sing at the wedding!  There is no substitute for true, time-tested friendship:)

We went home from Hawaii to start a new school year.  Graysen was so excited to begin her Senior year in high school!  It was time to study, cheer, hang out with her friends, go to Young Life, meet with her precious campaigner group, and finish high school in a big, fun way:)  

And it was time for our six month visit to take another look at that crooked back of hers.

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."   Psalm 118:24