The Long and the Short of It
"Time flies when you're having fun". Well, at least that's what they say.
But the truth is, time flies no matter what.
Whether you're having fun or you're miserable, whether you're healthy or sick, whether you're living an adventure or whether you are stopped in your tracks with pain, whether your dreams are coming true or you are broken-hearted, whether you're making progress or you are taking three steps back.
Time marches on, regardless of your circumstances.
As hard as is it for me to believe, it's been a year. We board a plane on Tuesday, May 12, 2015 and we go to Austin, Texas for Graysen's one-year follow-up with Dr. Geck. On May 29, it will be one year since she underwent spinal fusion surgery to correct her scoliosis. A forty-six degree spinal curve became a six degree curve - amazing.
There's an old adage that I first heard my Nana say to me when my kids were all little, at a time when it seemed like I would have pre-schoolers for the rest of my life. She always, always reminded me to enjoy my children.
She would say to me, "The days are long, but the years are short".
How very wise she was.
It's been true of Graysen's backstory, as well.
If you have followed this journey, then you know. There were terribly long days.
Terribly difficult days. Days where the fear and the "what-if"s were hard to process. There were days of awful pain and awful sickness. There were many nights with little sleep.
But there were also days of tremendous love, support, encouragement, prayer, and faith.
You guys called, texted, wrote, visited, sent meals, sent flowers, balloons, and treats.
You read our blog posts and re-posted them.
You shared our story, became partners in it, and provided us with more support than we could have ever imagined.
You prayed and you loved us well.
Our family and friends showed us the very best of who they are.
God, our Father and Great Physician, held our hands the whole way.
And as the time passed, there were days of progress.
Graysen.
People often ask me how she's doing. My answer? She's doing great.
This is true. Graysen is doing great.
It's a simple answer, with a complex meaning.
The long of it:
Does it mean she's never in pain. No
Does it mean that starting college 2 1/2 months after surgery wasn't the hardest thing she's ever done? No.
Does it mean that keeping up the pace of a College freshman honors student doesn't exhaust her? No.
Does it mean that she still doesn't tire easily, need more sleep, and sometimes feel completely frustrated by her limitations? You guessed it -No again.
The long hours are difficult.
The pace is difficult.
The drive home is difficult.
She "loss of normal" is difficult,
She had a rolling backpack her first semester of college. Yes, she sure did.
The short of it:
Everyday gets better. Every day there's progress. And Graysen is doing great.
Graysen has a "Can Do" attitude.
She has a heart that understands purpose.
She's determined and has every intention of living life to the fullest. And she does just that.
Her pain, frustration, and limitations are not wasted. She doesn't see them in those terms -she sees them as design. They are tools that will, and are, molding her and making her into who she is supposed to be.
She has compassion. Her story is a means to open doors and a way for her to reach out. It has gone from being a roadblock to being a roadway.
Graysen keeps up the pace and improves her time day by day,
She studies hard and has absolutely rocked her grades her first year!
She has made strong relationships.
She goes to Zumba and runs a little.
She joined a social club and has made wonderful friends.
She's been to concerts.
She held a fundraiser on campus for A Secret Safe Place for Newborns of TN.
She loves her church in Nashville and attends bible studies and small groups regularly.
She knows every good coffee shop and gluten-free restaurant in Nashville!
She performed in Singarama.
She became a Young Life leader to girls in a Nashville area high school.
She attends football, basketball, and baseball games.
She comes home when she can and usually brings with her a carload of roommates!
She stays close to us and occasionally mails her little brother a letter full of words of encouragement and love.
She shares her faith and her story whenever the opportunity arises.
Me.
The long of it:
I've seen and experienced hurt and heartache before. I've lost loved ones. I've experienced hurt from broken friendships. I've been injured in accidents and things were broken or torn. I fought for the lives of innocent babies, whose mother's were desperate to keep the reality of them a secret. I was touched by the grief of my aunt who lost the two most important women in her life to the cruelty of cancer. I watched my dear friend bury her beloved husband and both of her precious daughters after a tragic plane crash. I worried with my brother as both of our parents underwent heart procedures. I was so saddened to go through a fall-apart-of-sorts with the church I loved. And so on and so forth.
Life has a certain sadness to it.
But, I have never felt so pained, hurt, panicked, or emotionally unraveled as I was in the first moments I saw Graysen after her surgery.
The remorse and regret that I felt completely ripped me. I was wrecked by the site of my child in agonizing pain.
The difference between the pain, hurt, and heartache I had experienced up to that point was that I did not choose it. In fact, if given the option to check yes or no on any of those experiences, I would have emphatically chosen NO.
THAT was what undid me. I had checked yes to this.
It was a choice. An option.
And I had chosen to put my precious, sweet, kind-hearted daughter here. I got on the plane, took her to the appointments, signed the paperwork. I had said yes.
The guilt of it all was hard to bear.
I was panicked by the reality that I couldn't fix this. We couldn't go back. We couldn't undo it. It was already done.
My mind kept crying, "What have we done?!" , "This was a terrible mistake!!" "Oh no, no, no!"
The look on Graysen's face told me that she must be thinking the very same things.
We were not expecting this. I'm not sure why.
Dr. Geck was there with the team of ICU specialists attending to Graysen.
My distress was pretty evident as I gushed tears that I couldn't stop. I asked why she was in so much pain, why was she like this, and he calmly explained to Tim and me that there were things they needed to assess (such as feeling and movement), which have to be done without her being numb.
Of course. That makes perfect sense.
But it didn't make those moments any easier on any of us.
It was a moment in time that I will never forget. When I recall it in my mind, even now, I still get a lump in my throat and a tightening in my chest.
A mother's heart is a tender thing.
The short of it:
I am relieved.
It was not a mistake. It was the right thing to do.
I am thankful every singe day that we are on this side of this journey. Looking back is a much better view for me than looking forward was!
My mother's heart was wrung out as we faced this process, made hardy as we walked through the days, and can rest easy in relief now that it is behind us and Graysen is good.
Some things were better than I expected, some were worse. And some things were just not expected at all. You cannot plan for everything, no matter how hard you try.
I will never forget the love and support we were given. Gifts of the heart are the best kind.
I am so happy for Graysen. She has a straight back and is out of the terrible pain that curve caused. She is happy and healthy and is one of my very favorite people.
The Scar:
The long of it:
Do you remember my struggle when I thought about the scar?
Remember how it grieved me to think of my sweet girl being cut like that? How much it hurt me to think of her beautiful, tan little back wearing around a horrible scar?
I would go through pictures of Graysen and just look at her perfect skin in them and sit and cry.
I'm not really sure why that was such a bitter pill for me. Why that was where my grief landed over and over and where I spent so much time in my head visualizing the before and after.
I do know this:
I know that my husband does surgeries for a living, and when facing a big procedure his patients want to know what to expect for a scar. They want as minimal a scar as possible. I know that he, in turn, works very hard and meticulously when sewing to make the scar look as good as possible.
I know that the moment Graysen was able to, she wanted to see her scar. We took pictures on our phones and showed them to her.
I know that the first time my friend Paula saw Graysen's scar in person, she burst into tears right in the middle of the lovely store she owns.
She has a daughter with a beautiful, tan little back.
She gets it.
I'm not sure I've ever felt anymore understood than I did at that moment. She reacted exactly how I felt.
I know that I checked and re-checked that scar a thousand times last summer to make sure it didn't look red, puffy, infected, or compromised in any way.
I know that in the list of questions people ask me about how Graysen is doing, many will include some questions about the scar.
So all of this concern and emotion, has caused me to ponder.
Why is a scar such a hard thing? Why do we dread it, try to avoid it, minimize, and cover it?
Why do we go to such lengths to control the scar? Why was it such a bitter pill for me to swallow?
I had to ask myself these questions.
Well, to start with, a scar is a physical mark we carry around for the rest of lives, representing a painful experience.
It's a symbol of an injury, or a malady - something that had to be cut on, cut out, or fixed.
It mars God's perfect creation and replaces it with man's attempt to repair.
It's a reminder of what went wrong - an imperfect life and imperfect body in an imperfect world.
It tells us that we are flawed and reminds us of the pain we endured every time we see it.
It's anything but pretty.
It doesn't go away.
Pretty good reasons to avoid, dread, and attempt to minimize.
But, do you know what I saw happen with that dreaded scar of hers?
The short of it:
It started when I bought the scar treatment sheets at the pharmacy. She never used them.
It continued when she was happy to show her scar to anyone who asked. She wasn't embarrassed by it.
It peaked for me when our family spent a Saturday in mid-September cheering on the Vols. We invited friends, made our plans, and got dressed in our UT orange.
Graysen came downstairs dressed in an adorable orange sundress.
Completely backless.
Her scar was on full display.
To be completely honest, it took my breath away. I was in awe of this 18-year girl who wore her scar totally unapologetically and without any hesitation. I was so proud of her in that moment and I knew then than my view on scars was rooted in fear, was tainted by a world-view of beauty, and was blanketed in vanity.
I asked her if she was sure she was comfortable wearing that and she said,
"Momma, my scar is a big part of my story and my story is what makes me who I am. I am not going to hide my scar."
What a lesson, right?!
Our scars are a big part of our story and a big part of who we are. We all have them.
Some are the kind you can see in a backless dress and some are hidden deep inside, but they all change our story.
I've learned many things through this process. If I had any advice to give, it's this:
Don't hide your scars. They create questions and interest, they start conversations and a way to know each other better. They can open doors, if we let them. Share them and your story. I know that it has power and beauty, and I now know THAT is the purpose of our scars. If God had wanted, He could have made us so that we heal without a visible scar - of course He could have. But He didn't. Scars were a part of His design.
Graysen has had many opportunities over the past year to share her story, and she does. If you see her, just ask to see her scar.
You will probably get way more than you bargained for.
You will get to see the 10-or-so-inch scar and also get an up-close view of my daughter's heart.
She will show you her scar and then tell you how good God is.
She will share anything about this journey that you want to know.
I no longer have a fear of scars. In fact, I have an ever-growing appreciation for them. As I have said, I now think they have beauty because of the story they tell, maybe it's just a chapter, or maybe it's a whole book.
It's a life's story.
A heart-story.
A faith story.
God planned that perfectly. As always.
To wrap it up:
I had several purposes for writing this blog.
1) To help me process through my own thoughts and feelings.
2) To answer questions and provide updates for all of you who love us and have followed this story.
3) For Graysen to read and look back on when she was ready.
4) To help anyone else who may also be walking in our shoes, down this same path of questions, fear, and faith.
5) To tell you all about how great McSwaggy is! ;) but seriously, we are so thankful to have found such a gifted surgeon and compassionate care-giver for our girl.
All of these purposes have already been realized and we are grateful to have walked this path together and with you. Thank you for coming along.
So now, I look at Graysen's scar and I smile. I am content and satisfied. My faith has been watered by where we've been and where we will go.
It is so much more than one cut, 2 steel rods, ten screws, and a straightened spine.
It's Graysen's BackStory.
It has healed and grown us in ways we could've never imagined.
Thank you for sharing this journey with is. I feel that this chapter in our story is finished and we are ready to write new ones! If you have any comments or questions or are walking a similar path of your own, please feel free to email me at mcconnellshawna@gmail.com, I would love to talk to you or help in any way I can.
If you have enjoyed getting to know Graysen and would like to continue following her story and the new chapters she is writing, you're in luck! Graysen has started and her own blog! Please follow her at:
beautifullywreckedlife.blogspot.com
We wish you every good blessing from God.
XOXO,
The McConnells
"To be an example is to have a visible mark left on you by an identifiable, original source"
Beth Moore
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
